To live is Christ…
Monday, March 17, 2008-
Her body weight had dropped tremendously by now, because she was not able to eat. The body fed upon itself in order to sustain, yet it was fading faster now than before. Each day before this was a reality check for me; as I tried to take time to prepare for the inevitable, it was like I was visiting her for the first time. All I knew is that I had to find some way to strengthen myself, and at that point, I was NOT looking at the source of my help for help; I was spiritually confused and greatly preoccupied with my tribulations.
There were moments on this day where momma tried to leave… three times while I was there. I will try to explain the best I can; I was holding her hand, talking to her, others were in the room the first and second time. She started breathing heavily and hurriedly for a while and then, she stopped. I remember feeling a great pull of some sort that was beyond any physical ‘feeling’ that I had experienced before. It was like I was being taken, but not taken out of my seat. This felt like it went on for minutes, but in truth, it happened almost instantly. Those in the room asked what was wrong, and I answered, ‘I don’t know. Something just happened.’ Of course they didn’t know what I was talking about. Even I was unsure, at first what happened. All I knew is that it was something that I did NOT like.
The second time was MUCH stronger; my cousin was holding her other hand, yet she felt nothing when it happened. I felt like I was being dragged out of my seat into the air; I asked her did she feel that since she was holding her hand, she said she didn’t feel anything. After they left, it was just me and momma, and at that time, I tried to let go of her before it happened again go because I couldn’t take it. It was too much and I thought that it was because I was holding her hand each time she stopped breathing that caused it… I wasn’t strong enough. It was like my hand was fused to hers. The last time was the strongest, and it was so intense that it touched me at the core of my being. It felt like I was pulled out of the room, yet my body never left the chair. Was I high? Drunk? None of it.
At the time, I didn’t know that what was happening was momma’s inner spirit was trying to leave that body because it was close to her time. I was hindering that because as long as I was in the room, she was gonna have to take me with her because I wasn’t ready to let go of any of it… she and I have always been kindred spirits even though we were mother and son. We shared a bond that was stronger than love and could no longer be classified correctly. It flourished as we lived; even through my moments of stupidity, selfishness, arrogance, and ignorance, she loved me. Even when I told her I hated her, she loved me. Even when I broke her heart, over and over and over again… she loved me. She was what I defined love after and thought that NO ONE loved me except her… even when I didn’t love myself. She was the only person that I allowed my love to free fall with. I trusted all of what I knew was love in her… yet that was NOT the way. She knew it, but I didn’t then.
See, beloved readers, it seems admirable and sweet to love a person so completely, yet this is a love that MUST START BETWEEN YOU AND GOD FIRST!!! It is how the love becomes purified, clarified, intensified, justified and fortified. THEN you share that with others. As before, I was spiritually confused.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008-
I came home to change clothes and head back to the hospital, but I was not unable to leave. Something kept me there… I heard Spirit say, do not leave… not yet. I just kept pacing the hallway for what seemed to be hours. Then, at 2:35pm, the phone rang. It was the nurse. She was gone. She was gone… GONE. I couldn’t tell her goodbye… I wasn’t able to tell her I loved her just one more time, or that I was sorry for all that I put her through and failing because I wasn’t strong enough. All she left me was the shell. Even though I knew this was coming, even though I KNEW she was going to die, it was like I JUST FOUND OUT! It was like I had no clue it was happening and someone called me to tell me that my momma was gone.
I rushed to the hospital after I called my daddy and brother; it is SO hard to drive in such distress, but thank God I made it without killing myself or someone else; but now I know she was with me. I kept hearing her voice telling me that it was okay. That she was okay. But I kept replying that I was NOT okay. They didn’t move her until I got there… she looked like she was sleeping. Her body was ice cold… I just rubbed her face and tried not to lose all of my mind, as they led us out of the room so that they could prepare her for her transfer to the funeral home. I had to sign documents and get business done because it was up to me to do this. I don’t even know how I made it through any of that, but I did make it.
To be concluded…