Quick Inspiration- May 8, 2013

I'm praying for you.

I’m praying for you.

Take a moment to remember many of the stories we have seen in movies, television, and on the Internet that talk about events of the past or current events that have dealt with the loss of loved ones.

The media will exploit the sorrows and pain of people for only a fleeting moment until the next ‘big story’ occurs, and then it’s almost like it never happened, but it did and those that were directly impacted by it still feel the sting.

There are so many to list that are just afterthoughts to this ‘great‘ nation, yet I ask those of you to say a prayer for the people who still live with them day by day. It doesn’t matter which story comes to mind…

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Pray for The World.

What the world need now... is prayer, prayer prayer.

What the world need now… is prayer, prayer prayer.

Pray for Boston, Los Angeles, St. Louis, New York, The United States, Mexico, Canada, North America, South America, Europe, Africa, Asia, North Korea, South Korea, Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Russia, China, YOUR HOME, MY HOME, YOUR FAMILY, MY FAMILY…. the world.

Twelve Days to Glory- Finality

twelve_days_to_glory

To live is Christ…

Monday, March 17, 2008-

Her body weight had dropped tremendously by now, because she was not able to eat. The body fed upon itself in order to sustain, yet it was fading faster now than before. Each day before this was a reality check for me; as I tried to take time to prepare for the inevitable, it was like I was visiting her for the first time. All I knew is that I had to find some way to strengthen myself, and at that point, I was NOT looking at the source of my help for help; I was spiritually confused and greatly preoccupied with my tribulations.

There were moments on this day where momma tried to leave… three times while I was there. I will try to explain the best I can; I was holding her hand, talking to her, others were in the room the first and second time. She started breathing heavily and hurriedly for a while and then, she stopped. I remember feeling a great pull of some sort that was beyond any physical ‘feeling’ that I had experienced before. It was like I was being taken, but not taken out of my seat. This felt like it went on for minutes, but in truth, it happened almost instantly. Those in the room asked what was wrong, and I answered, ‘I don’t know. Something just happened.’ Of course they didn’t know what I was talking about. Even I was unsure, at first what happened. All I knew is that it was something that I did NOT like.

The second time was MUCH stronger; my cousin was holding her other hand, yet she felt nothing when it happened. I felt like I was being dragged out of my seat into the air; I asked her did she feel that since she was holding her hand, she said she didn’t feel anything. After they left, it was just me and momma, and at that time, I tried to let go of her before it happened again go because I couldn’t take it. It was too much and I thought that it was because I was holding her hand each time she stopped breathing that caused it… I wasn’t strong enough. It was like my hand was fused to hers. The last time was the strongest, and it was so intense that it touched me at the core of my being. It felt like I was pulled out of the room, yet my body never left the chair. Was I high? Drunk? None of it.

At the time, I didn’t know that what was happening was momma’s inner spirit was trying to leave that body because it was close to her time. I was hindering that because as long as I was in the room, she was gonna have to take me with her because I wasn’t ready to let go of any of it… she and I have always been kindred spirits even though we were mother and son. We shared a bond that was stronger than love and could no longer be classified correctly. It flourished as we lived; even through my moments of stupidity, selfishness, arrogance, and ignorance, she loved me. Even when I told her I hated her, she loved me. Even when I broke her heart, over and over and over again… she loved me. She was what I defined love after and thought that NO ONE loved me except her… even when I didn’t love myself. She was the only person that I allowed my love to free fall with. I trusted all of what I knew was love in her… yet that was NOT the way. She knew it, but I didn’t then.

See, beloved readers, it seems admirable and sweet to love a person so completely, yet this is a love that MUST START BETWEEN YOU AND GOD FIRST!!! It is how the love becomes purified, clarified, intensified, justified and fortified. THEN you share that with others. As before, I was spiritually confused.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008-

I came home to change clothes and head back to the hospital, but I was not unable to leave. Something kept me there… I heard Spirit say, do not leave… not yet. I just kept pacing the hallway for what seemed to be hours. Then, at 2:35pm, the phone rang. It was the nurse. She was gone. She was gone… GONE. I couldn’t tell her goodbye… I wasn’t able to tell her I loved her just one more time, or that I was sorry for all that I put her through and failing because I wasn’t strong enough. All she left me was the shell. Even though I knew this was coming, even though I KNEW she was going to die, it was like I JUST FOUND OUT! It was like I had no clue it was happening and someone called me to tell me that my momma was gone.

I rushed to the hospital after I called my daddy and brother; it is SO hard to drive in such distress, but thank God I made it without killing myself or someone else; but now I know she was with me. I kept hearing her voice telling me that it was okay. That she was okay. But I kept replying that I was NOT okay. They didn’t move her until I got there… she looked like she was sleeping. Her body was ice cold… I just rubbed her face and tried not to lose all of my mind, as they led us out of the room so that they could prepare her for her transfer to the funeral home. I had to sign documents and get business done because it was up to me to do this. I don’t even know how I made it through any of that, but I did make it.

To be concluded…

Twelve days to Glory… Part Two

twelve_days_to_glory

To live is Christ…

Saturday, March 8, 2008… I was visited by hospice; he was a black man, roughly in his late forties  and he came in and worked quickly, setting up the hospital bed and oxygen disperser. He tested the equipment like someone who was used to the routine of it all. I, on the other hand, was insanely nervous, and feeling helpless as I saw all that went into ensuring a persons death would be as comfortable as possible.

He showed me how to use the equipment and gave me papers to sign. I will be honest; I couldn’t remember too much about what he said because all I was trying to do was wrap my mind around the fact that my momma was supposed to die with me in this room. The few hours that passed after he left were long and gruelling… about 6pm, I received a call from the hospital that momma was on her way. This came from the hospice nurse who arrived about an hour before momma arrived. I cant remember her name, but her face was kind and her words assuring that it was going to be okay. I know that I was a mess, but she told me that I would be able to handle this, yet in my mind, I had already failed.

My dad came by soon after, and helped me make sure that they would be able to roll her in and get her situated. Once momma arrived, things began to go downhill fast; her body was jerking and she has a glazed look in her eyes. What was funny is that as her body convulsed, she would not stop looking at me. It was like she was trying to stop me from distressing, even though she was obviously in so much pain. The helplessness I felt at that point could not ever be put into words, but all I could do then is hold her hand through it.

The nurse began to work on her; she explained that momma was seizing constantly because the cancer has rested on a part of her brain stem… I kept my composer on the outside, but I was panicking greatly on the inside. For an hour, she tried everything to stabilize her condition, but to no avail. She then called the hospital and had an ambulance come to take her back. Momma only stayed with me for an hour and 45 minutes.

The EMT’s came in and put her in the ambulance. They did not expect her to make it to the hospital because her seizures were getting worse and her blood pressure was increasing… she made it to the hospital. Once there, the emergency room was ready for battle, but because of the do not resuscitate order, could only give her an IV and pain medication.

She began to breathe in a way that is called a ‘death rumble’; I was desperately trying to prepare myself for something that I was in NO way prepared for; we thought that this was it, but all the while momma kept her eyes on me; trying still to comfort me the best way she could. All I could do then was lay on her shoulder and sing to her. By God’s grace, the seizures began to lessen and her blood pressure decreased; the hospital decided then to place her in a room, even through they didn’t expect her to last through the night.

She couldn’t leave yet… I didn’t know why at the time. I do now.
To be continued…

Twelve days to Glory… My last journey with Momma

She left me in God's hands.

She left me in God’s hands.

If you don’t mind, I am going to take you on a journey that happens some five years ago. This was the beginning of what I call the twelve days that I will never forget. It was at the time when momma was on her way to glory, and I was fortunate enough to walk with her to the end.

I say fortunate because many that I know lost their loved ones suddenly or had no real chance to say goodbye, so even though it almost killed me emotionally at the time, it made me stronger in the end because it made me turn to God for everything.

Okay… Friday, March 7, 2008: I meet with the doctors at Kenneth Hall Regional Hospital to discuss the fate of momma. They confirm with me that she has had her fourth stroke and the cancer has spread throughout her body. They are unable to do anything more for her but provide comfort through the pain that her body is obviously enduring because of the cancer ravaging her, so we decide that she will stay with me for her last days. Now, my aunt is very much worried about my ability to take care of her because she has been in hospice and knows the difficulty, but even though I am full of trepidation, I love her more than my fears.

We then are contacted by hospice care, who schedule to meet us at my home to prepare the room for her arrival on Saturday.

To be continued….

Hope in hopelessness

I weep for the loss of life in Connecticut. I can not say that I know what is being felt by those who have lost a spouse or child in this time of senseless hatred, yet I do know that God is with each and every hurting husband, mother, father, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, grandmother, grandfather, friend and every loved one that is directly affected by this movement of the Enemy.

Pray for those who lost. Pray without ceasing.

Infidelity: Chasing Ghosts

An image of a ghost.

It’s only in your mind.

As before, infidelity has many causes which can lead to disastrous results in a marriage. Lack of safety in a man, or removed virtue from the woman are but two that have been previously discussed, yet I wanted to talk about another cause of infidelity that is just as dangerous and is also more common than the last two mentioned: chasing ghosts.

The concept of ghost chasing in a marriage or any relationship that involves two people with a past has been a burden upon marriages and relationships for eons. It involves simply chasing ghosts, or things that AREN’T REALLY THERE. They are viewed in our mind’s eye and usually manifest from past tragedies within our lives. Past heartbreak, destruction of trusts, or former infidelity from a previous relationship can cause ‘ghosts‘ to appear. Low self-esteem or even a  lack of loving one’s self (these were mine)  can cause ‘ghosts‘ to appear. They begin to haunt a person’s thinking, and can delegate a person’s action within a new relationship. ‘Ghosts‘ can also cause people to choose isolation from a potentially great relationship and/or marriage because the apparitions of the past are too detrimental to let go of.  The graveyard of un-forgiveness becomes filled with these ‘ghosts‘ and potentially can consume the person, and yet he or she doesn’t see that the ghosts are of their OWN CREATION.

How can chasing ghosts cause infidelity? When a person increasingly continues to doubt the others sincerity in the marriage/relationship or commitment to the marriage/relationship, when the accusations won’t stop, when the search for proof of cheating (cell phones, messages, voice-mail  clothing, cars, info from family, friends, co-workers, cubicles, etc…) increases, when the person accused is being stalked or consistently interrogated about their whereabouts, when peace in the relationship or marriage is disrupted by a person’s DESIRE TO FIND HURT AND/OR BE HURT (re-read that last statement because I had to) these examples can cause the accused to say, “if I am already being accused, then I MIGHT AS WELL DO IT!!” Then once the ghost is FINALLY located, (because sometimes, you find what you are searching for, even when it was never there in the first place) the ghost chaser does a I TOLD YOU SO, thus increasing the size of the graveyard of un-forgiveness and increasing the level of emotional and mental instability within their lives.

The process of forgiveness must start within the ghost chaser. He or she MUST:

  • Realize that the person they are accusing is NOT the person who hurt them before, AND
  • Understand that the PAST IS THE PAST (thank you Ty), AND
  • Desire to have a harmonious, loving and peaceful marriage/relationship, AND
  • Seek God and possibly counseling for help and guidance to bury the ghosts once and for all.

Realize, Understand, Desire and Seek.

I pray that this helps someone, because these were my experiences, and I had to overcome them. I will not tell you that ghosts never come back because there are triggers, whether they be on TV, internet, radio, etc… but the key is to realize, understand, desire and seek when they do. As time goes on, the graveyard will become silent once again.

God Bless.