Something to think about- July 4,2015

Statistical research has concluded that more than half of marriages nowadays have ended in divorce. 

This is because more than half of marriages nowadays do not START WITH GOD. 

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Counterpoint: What a man needs is support, loyalty and the cookie… not really. Part One of Two

cookieI have searched the Internet and found tons of websites built off what I see as another ‘buzzword phenomenon’ which focuses on the simplistic and unrealistic idea that a man PRIMARILY REQUIRES, especially from a woman, SUPPORT, LOYALTY, and SEX.

While this is supposed to bring forth some sort of template for those women who are deemed ‘clueless to the needs of a man’, this by no means, is absolute or, to me, even helpful because it creates a dilemma, especially when it fails. The vagueness of these three attributes, that honestly can be gotten from ANYONE and ANYWHERE at ANYTIME and are not specific to the woman in ANY WAY, leaves, to me, a void that will never be realistically filled because, first off, this does not follow in the path of The Heavenly Father’s plan for the connection of man and woman, OR wife and husband, and it shows a level of naïve deception that has been accepted by women who seek genuine understanding of the man that are or will be in their lives.

Okay, SUPPORT can be looked at as an attribute that would assist in the development of the relationship between a man and the woman, YET it is not REQUIRED for the relationship to grow. Truthfully, MEN have increasingly found support from other MEN to be more important than the SUPPORT of their women for eons, and this is prevalent in the bonding rituals that we practice using sports, politics, industry, technology, etc… as the bonding agent. This also connects to the LOYALTY factor, because both are usually sought after once the bonds have been established. Many men will go as far as to not EXPECT their women to show any SUPPORT to them or what they do, OR even to be LOYAL to the relationship. This can be connected to many factors; one to which is the man’s lack of TRUST in the woman.

The sex part can be shaky, especially with the rising instances of bisexuality that has plagued many ‘heterosexual’ relationships. Men are now allowing themselves to explore the realms of man on man sexual release which in itself can cause great confusion, at the LEAST, within his relationship with a woman who has been led to believe that her man has his sexual desires focused on the OPPOSITE sex. Now, if any of you men reading this are bisexual and are in a relationship that you are practicing deception, I ask you; how would you feel if SHE did that to YOU? But I digress; the cookie is NOT a requirement for the man FROM his woman… unfortunately, it is something that we have proven can be gotten… WHENEVER.

So what is REQUIRED from the woman? One of the things that experts, scholars, medical professionals, relationship specialists, pastors, talk show hosts, and others who THINK they have a grasp on these things have COMPLETELY overlooked… SAFETY.

I will have to break this down into a part two to explain what I mean, so please comment, ask questions if you wish. To be continued…

Something to think about- July 12, 2013

I came across a disturbing pattern that those in distressed marriages take without a conscious knowledge. I had to think on my previous marriage and realized that I had unconscionably done this thing myself.

A couple that I know who’s marriage has been on the verge of ending recently purchased TWO brand new cars. Another who deals with infidelity and trust issues purchased new cell phones and a truck recently. Yet another couple who is also dealing with infidelity, trust, AND financial oppression purchased new phones for themselves AND their children.

The assessment is that when one is at a point of great unhappiness and tribulation within a marriage, the desire to seek relief outside of the marriage becomes stronger in the form of materialistic gain. We all seek happiness within chaos, yet in this case, create further calamity within the relationship because wherever the problem began, it is now increased by unnecessary and unhealthy financial strain. Even if the couple can afford to make foolish purchases in order to unsuccessfully fill the gaps in their marriage, there is no real breakthrough made, nor is the healing of the marriage actualized.It’s like putting a Band-Aid on your hand when the cut is clearly on your leg.

Sounds familiar? It does to me.

The illusion of alone: Inspiration of the day.

A cross

Through Christ we succeed.

For those of you who are struggling with feeling abandoned, friendless, detached,  desolate, deserted, forsaken, widowed, unmarried, unloved, and just all by yourself in your pain and sorrows; NEVER forget…

When family and friends turn their back, or your spouse says tells you that he or she wants to walk away and leave you stranded… when your children are old enough to walk out the door, and push you further out of their lives… when death takes the ones that you loved and depended on to be there for you forever… when your health is failing and you can’t find one person to assist in your healing… when you come home to an empty house and sleep in an empty bed, eat at a empty table, and the Enemy continuously tries each day to convince you that no one is left and no one cares…

Know that this is all a facade. You are NEVER alone. This is a reminder to you that lonely is but an illusion and a trick of the Enemy to knock you off your square… rejoice that God’s Word has NEVER and will NEVER returns void in your life. (Hebrews ch.13:v.5)

Prosper in love: the comparison of ‘for’ and ‘with’

love2I took a moment to write this because I was blessed with an epiphany recently. I have struggled to understand how to develop a prosperous relationship/marriage, even though the first marriage did not work out so well. I felt myself in a spiral of confusion because as a man, I am not supposed to have real wants or needs beyond the things outside of myself. Women were usually the ones who focus on needs from their spouse while men were ‘generally’ looked at as the providers of what his woman needed.

I have not always complied to that form of thinking, because for some reason, I knew that, as a man, I deserved just as much as she did. Sex was not the only thing I desired, nor was a hot meal, clean clothes, or even money. I desired to have someone there with me as well as for me. Now, I did not see it in that light, at first, because I did not know that that was in any way important to a healthy relationship to me.

I have found that one aspect of a healthy relationship is to understand the difference between being there FOR someone and being there WITH someone. for example,  If you read some of the epistles of Paul,  you find that he ends them with ‘May the Lord Jesus Christ be with you…’. With defines as ‘being accompanied by’, so he prays that Jesus accompanies the readers of the text throughout their lives. To be WITH your spouse requires much strength, especially when the situation is dire or feels out of the persons’ control. The other part of strength lies in empathy; that is, placing yourself in the person’s shoes and accepting a pain that may not be your own. You walk when staying still is more sensible, you cry even though it feels trivial, and you stand in the fire when there are no flames burning in your life.

Being there FOR someone, or in support or favor of someone, does not require that you participate in the issue or situation directly, yet, if a need comes up, support is given. It is always easier to be there for your spouse or significant other within a marriage or relationship because a distance is kept, and empathy is not necessarily required. It’s like paying into auto insurance. I am not saying that being there FOR a person is in any way bad… there are instances where you CAN’T be there with them… only Christ can be WITH us through ANY and EVERYTHING.

I am thankful that God is WITH me in all things. My loved ones can only go as far as they can go…

Infidelity: The divided house

a divided house

A house divided in itself will not stand.

Now, if you have read my previous blogs, I have written about ways that lead to infidelity: the unsafe man, the woman with virtue removed and chasing ghosts. I want to talk about another that I feel can also lead to choices that bring infidelity into the home: a divided house. In the New Testament, the Book of Mark ch.3:v.25, Jesus teaches that ‘a house that is divided within itself can not stand’. This focuses on forms of inner corruption that in time leads to separation and brings a house down on itself. This can then spread to those things connected to the house thereby causing a cascade of destruction that can have no end.

Loss of a job, lack of financial security, and family tragedies are just small examples of the what can lead to the divided house, and when left unchecked, can cause a healthy marriage to become quickly infected and thus lead to a decision to seek an illusion of comfort from someone outside of the marriage. We tell ourselves that our spouse ‘does not understand’ our tribulations, and that may be true, yet who says that the other person gets it? It is a trick of the Enemy to think that corrupted act will bring forth healing.

These are the moments when we forget OR ignore the option of prayer. Individual prayer, and the collective prayer of the family are the BEST ways to repair and rebuild the divided home. We gain the resources to become stronger within ourselves and in our union without the added stress and strain of a fleeting sexual endeavor, and our increased and intimate relationship with God both within ourselves and within the marriage can transfer our house from the sinking sands of infidelity, to the rock of marital bliss.

Infidelity: Chasing Ghosts

An image of a ghost.

It’s only in your mind.

As before, infidelity has many causes which can lead to disastrous results in a marriage. Lack of safety in a man, or removed virtue from the woman are but two that have been previously discussed, yet I wanted to talk about another cause of infidelity that is just as dangerous and is also more common than the last two mentioned: chasing ghosts.

The concept of ghost chasing in a marriage or any relationship that involves two people with a past has been a burden upon marriages and relationships for eons. It involves simply chasing ghosts, or things that AREN’T REALLY THERE. They are viewed in our mind’s eye and usually manifest from past tragedies within our lives. Past heartbreak, destruction of trusts, or former infidelity from a previous relationship can cause ‘ghosts‘ to appear. Low self-esteem or even a  lack of loving one’s self (these were mine)  can cause ‘ghosts‘ to appear. They begin to haunt a person’s thinking, and can delegate a person’s action within a new relationship. ‘Ghosts‘ can also cause people to choose isolation from a potentially great relationship and/or marriage because the apparitions of the past are too detrimental to let go of.  The graveyard of un-forgiveness becomes filled with these ‘ghosts‘ and potentially can consume the person, and yet he or she doesn’t see that the ghosts are of their OWN CREATION.

How can chasing ghosts cause infidelity? When a person increasingly continues to doubt the others sincerity in the marriage/relationship or commitment to the marriage/relationship, when the accusations won’t stop, when the search for proof of cheating (cell phones, messages, voice-mail  clothing, cars, info from family, friends, co-workers, cubicles, etc…) increases, when the person accused is being stalked or consistently interrogated about their whereabouts, when peace in the relationship or marriage is disrupted by a person’s DESIRE TO FIND HURT AND/OR BE HURT (re-read that last statement because I had to) these examples can cause the accused to say, “if I am already being accused, then I MIGHT AS WELL DO IT!!” Then once the ghost is FINALLY located, (because sometimes, you find what you are searching for, even when it was never there in the first place) the ghost chaser does a I TOLD YOU SO, thus increasing the size of the graveyard of un-forgiveness and increasing the level of emotional and mental instability within their lives.

The process of forgiveness must start within the ghost chaser. He or she MUST:

  • Realize that the person they are accusing is NOT the person who hurt them before, AND
  • Understand that the PAST IS THE PAST (thank you Ty), AND
  • Desire to have a harmonious, loving and peaceful marriage/relationship, AND
  • Seek God and possibly counseling for help and guidance to bury the ghosts once and for all.

Realize, Understand, Desire and Seek.

I pray that this helps someone, because these were my experiences, and I had to overcome them. I will not tell you that ghosts never come back because there are triggers, whether they be on TV, internet, radio, etc… but the key is to realize, understand, desire and seek when they do. As time goes on, the graveyard will become silent once again.

God Bless.