From BluNote Ministries Music- I Need Thee Every Hour

Originally written by Annie Hawks and Robert Lowry in 1872… I wanted to share my rendition of a song that walked with me through the darkest times of my life and testifies to my need for God at all times. I hope you enjoy it.

The musical derivative of this video is property of BluNote Ministries Music.

Time to take a nap

I’ve read how some people are tired of this whole ‘Ferguson killing’ thing being about race or they’re ‘tired’ of the whole ‘race thing’ because they buy into the delusion that somehow racism is gone because Obama was elected president. To those who are mentally fatigued I ask, do they think we who are a part of the black culture aren’t tired too?

Do they think watching the unwarranted killing of our children, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers and loved ones is fun? Do they think that we WANT to have another thing to deal with… Like being in a fixed fight every day of our lives isn’t enough?

Do they think that we as parents who have young black men and women to raise WANT to concern ourselves with the possibility that it may be our son or our daughter lying dead in a pool of blood next time because of a so called ‘accident‘ or ‘mistaken identity‘, ‘weapon miraculously appeared‘ or because someone ‘feared for their life‘ or any other lame excuse to be used to get away with murder?

Do they think the black foolists out there who consistently embarrass our culture on a DAILY basis and bring hatred to our door is exciting?

Do they TRULY think this is all fun and games to us? Do they think we don’t WANT EQUALITY, JUSTICE AND FAIRNESS IN THIS LAND THAT HEMORRHAGES HYPOCRISY, DECEPTION, MALEVOLENCE AND A BLATANT DEVALUATION OF A CULTURE?? Next time you tired, take a nap.

The ‘Real N***a Movement’ strikes again!

Some time ago, I wrote on the aspects of the ‘real nigga’ as it concerns those males, both young and old, who create havoc in the community and leave many cultures weakened in the quest for equality. The interesting thing about those who take the label as a ‘real nigga’ are not actually bound to a specific race: oh no… ‘real niggas’ span the cosmos and are almost a race of their own because ANYONE CAN BE A REAL NIGGA (OR REAL BITCH, IF FEMALE). Let us turn to our first recent examples:

1. Christopher Lanes tragic encounter with the ‘real nigga’

christopher Lanes killers

Three ‘real niggas’ who brought nothing but heartache, pain and shame to the nation.

These three ‘real niggas’ who range in age from fifteen through seventeen took it upon themselves to satisfy a yearning for action in the summer time by doing something that they THOUGHT was ‘fun’; they got in a car, drove behind an innocent man, who was jogging and minding his own business, and shot him in the back… because they were acting on a need to curb their boredom. After some time, they bragged about it on Facebook, and subsequently were arrested and now face life imprisonment or even death.

2. WWII Vet Delbert Velton: fought for our country, only to be tragically introduced to the ‘real nigga’:

A real nigga who robbed and beat an 88 year old man for some pocket change. One of two.

A real nigga who robbed and beat an 88-year old man to death.

ANother real nigga who beat an 88-year old man to death.

Another real nigga who was involved in the 88-year old man being beaten to death.

Now these two ‘real niggas’ decided that they wanted to get some money, and targeted a man who was no match for them, physically. They stalked, robbed and beat this man to death for nothing more than pocket change. Now they both face life in a cage for their actions.

The two more recent examples of the ‘real nigga’ epidemic shows how this real problem can become a real threat to any culture, AND nation. They end up making real foolish decisions or taking real offensive actions that send a real destructive ripple throughout the community and thus takes a real toll on those who are trying real hard to change the real opinions of others that this race of real human beings are not JUST real violent, real lazy, and simply a REAL WASTE OF TIME AND RESOURCES.

In these situations when the ‘real niggas’ are real young, we tend to look close at the parents and the supposed real ‘lack of parenting’; sometimes becoming real judgmental, yet we must also remember that the young mind is the enemy’s real opportunity to cause some real damage, thereby creating a real doubt in the Real God and undoing any real progress that is being made in achieving a real spiritual connection.

The need for REAL prayer, and a increase of REAL faith is REAL, people.

Twelve days to glory- Summation

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To live is Christ…

To my beloved readers: some of you may see what I have written about my journey with my mother as an exegesis of grief regarding the sorrow of loss. That is only a small part of the purpose behind the blog entries. I also know that many may not be able to read what I have written because of the pain it may bring back to your own remembrance if you lost a mother, father, sister, brother, wife, husband, child, or anyone that was dearest to your heart and life. To that, I do understand, because what this writing experience brought forth has not been felt for many years.

It took me time to force a lot of what unearthed while writing this to the recesses of my mind… the uncontrolled weeping, feeling of failure, wanting to end the pain by ending my life, the lowliness… all of it, yet I wrote it to signify the greatness of God and to advise those who read this to focus love FIRST on God.

We tend to think that it is admirable to focus intense and full-on love upon our relatives or those who we add to our lives FIRST, then; maybe, love God with what’s left. We say we love that person, ‘more than ourselves’ or ‘more than anything’, unknowing that we set ourselves up for the level of pain that has taken the lives of so many in our past.

We use this ‘love‘ to manage our relationships with each other, or control the lives of others because we EXPECT satisfaction for all the ‘love‘ we invest into that person, only to be rewarded with disappointment and a deep inner loss when it is not reciprocated, or the person leaves us to join the countless others that have entered the grave.

We twist the ‘love‘ concept to the point of madness and then blame ‘love‘ for our failings or shortcomings or true lack of understanding of what ‘love‘ is and its source. These are the things that I have done with my momma.

My love for my momma was real to me, yet empty because I never truly tapped into the source of ‘love‘. I followed suit behind so many in the world, and relied upon her to teach me about love, and to love me even though I didn’t. I placed the burden of my inner responsibilities and created my own hell from it all which tried to collect at the time of her passing. I was so overwhelmed with regret, self-loathing, and failure because I was not prepared to love ME that I saw the only way out was death. It took the loss of everything I held dear to realize that I had never held on to anything at all… I expected others to hold ME and I just skate along for the ride.

I never took the time to seek ‘love‘. Not too many people ever do. We think that if we utter the word that we are inherently knowledgeable of the power of it or the source of it, yet we go through live just ‘loving‘ without form nor purpose. It is like being thirsty with nothing but an empty cup that we try to fill with the spit from our mouths, even though there is a pitcher FULL OF WATER sitting right in front of us.

So what am I getting at? Love is right there; it is God and God alone. In order to establish a love that will never end, never die, never fail, never leave, never betray, never try to manipulate, nor never become misguided or misdirected, it MUST begin between God and you. Once established, then it can be shared with others with a sense of confidence that it is genuine and unable to be thwarted by the words and/or actions of others. The Enemy nor death can shake it. It allows healing from loss and tragedy to be achieved through prayer. The Word of God tells us to FIRST love God with all our heart soul and might… THEN share this with the rest of the world, not the other way around.

I conclude this series with this: love from God, with God, through God and by God. Look to His essence of love to find your way, and when tragedy comes, the love you have will not die for those you love through God. The pain will come yet no scars will form; the loss of their love will be felt, yet the remembrance of the Divine love shared will become the comfort. With God, weeping truly will only endure for the night, but Joy is the reward when the sun shines upon your life.

May God bless you.

(Deuteronomy ch.4:vs. 29, Psalms ch.30:vs.5,  Mark ch.12:vss.30-31)

Twelve Days to Glory- Finality

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To live is Christ…

Monday, March 17, 2008-

Her body weight had dropped tremendously by now, because she was not able to eat. The body fed upon itself in order to sustain, yet it was fading faster now than before. Each day before this was a reality check for me; as I tried to take time to prepare for the inevitable, it was like I was visiting her for the first time. All I knew is that I had to find some way to strengthen myself, and at that point, I was NOT looking at the source of my help for help; I was spiritually confused and greatly preoccupied with my tribulations.

There were moments on this day where momma tried to leave… three times while I was there. I will try to explain the best I can; I was holding her hand, talking to her, others were in the room the first and second time. She started breathing heavily and hurriedly for a while and then, she stopped. I remember feeling a great pull of some sort that was beyond any physical ‘feeling’ that I had experienced before. It was like I was being taken, but not taken out of my seat. This felt like it went on for minutes, but in truth, it happened almost instantly. Those in the room asked what was wrong, and I answered, ‘I don’t know. Something just happened.’ Of course they didn’t know what I was talking about. Even I was unsure, at first what happened. All I knew is that it was something that I did NOT like.

The second time was MUCH stronger; my cousin was holding her other hand, yet she felt nothing when it happened. I felt like I was being dragged out of my seat into the air; I asked her did she feel that since she was holding her hand, she said she didn’t feel anything. After they left, it was just me and momma, and at that time, I tried to let go of her before it happened again go because I couldn’t take it. It was too much and I thought that it was because I was holding her hand each time she stopped breathing that caused it… I wasn’t strong enough. It was like my hand was fused to hers. The last time was the strongest, and it was so intense that it touched me at the core of my being. It felt like I was pulled out of the room, yet my body never left the chair. Was I high? Drunk? None of it.

At the time, I didn’t know that what was happening was momma’s inner spirit was trying to leave that body because it was close to her time. I was hindering that because as long as I was in the room, she was gonna have to take me with her because I wasn’t ready to let go of any of it… she and I have always been kindred spirits even though we were mother and son. We shared a bond that was stronger than love and could no longer be classified correctly. It flourished as we lived; even through my moments of stupidity, selfishness, arrogance, and ignorance, she loved me. Even when I told her I hated her, she loved me. Even when I broke her heart, over and over and over again… she loved me. She was what I defined love after and thought that NO ONE loved me except her… even when I didn’t love myself. She was the only person that I allowed my love to free fall with. I trusted all of what I knew was love in her… yet that was NOT the way. She knew it, but I didn’t then.

See, beloved readers, it seems admirable and sweet to love a person so completely, yet this is a love that MUST START BETWEEN YOU AND GOD FIRST!!! It is how the love becomes purified, clarified, intensified, justified and fortified. THEN you share that with others. As before, I was spiritually confused.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008-

I came home to change clothes and head back to the hospital, but I was not unable to leave. Something kept me there… I heard Spirit say, do not leave… not yet. I just kept pacing the hallway for what seemed to be hours. Then, at 2:35pm, the phone rang. It was the nurse. She was gone. She was gone… GONE. I couldn’t tell her goodbye… I wasn’t able to tell her I loved her just one more time, or that I was sorry for all that I put her through and failing because I wasn’t strong enough. All she left me was the shell. Even though I knew this was coming, even though I KNEW she was going to die, it was like I JUST FOUND OUT! It was like I had no clue it was happening and someone called me to tell me that my momma was gone.

I rushed to the hospital after I called my daddy and brother; it is SO hard to drive in such distress, but thank God I made it without killing myself or someone else; but now I know she was with me. I kept hearing her voice telling me that it was okay. That she was okay. But I kept replying that I was NOT okay. They didn’t move her until I got there… she looked like she was sleeping. Her body was ice cold… I just rubbed her face and tried not to lose all of my mind, as they led us out of the room so that they could prepare her for her transfer to the funeral home. I had to sign documents and get business done because it was up to me to do this. I don’t even know how I made it through any of that, but I did make it.

To be concluded…

Twelve Days to Glory- Halfway Point

twelve_days_to_glory

To live is Christ…

At this point, I did what every child would do who faced such a finality: I waited. Each day up to this point of the story, about six days in from the beginning, I tried to make momma as comfortable as I knew how. Between the linen changes performed by the nurse’s staff, the visits by the doctor to sign documentation and to inform me that each day MIGHT be the day, relatives visiting, and the occasional issue with family acting like they knew best, I would take time to lay next to her, talk to her, and clean her fingernails… it was like I couldn’t ever get them clean.

I was given pamphlets on how to deal with death, or the process on what the body goes through when it is in its ‘final stages‘. They worded them with ‘walking on egg shell‘ accuracy as to not offend or scare anyone, yet the words brought no real comfort, only information that, if not careful, brought you closer to letting go of your faith.

I watched as her body failed day by day; her breathing began to get more and more laboured, as she survived on just an I.V. and morphine drip. Her body went through the stages laid out in the pamphlet; her vital organs began to shut down little by little, and her body fed upon itself and she lost weight quite rapidly. All I could do is witness as the physical death took hold of her because each day, I died a little with her.

See, at that time, I did not know that this HAD to happen for the inner spirit to join with the Divine Spirit. The cage of the flesh had to be broken, as the soul prepared to leave the shell and join with the Father. The process can be instant, or over time. This truth was revealed long after I went through my own hell, so to speak.

The nurses tried to assure me that she was not suffering, saying that the morphine would keep the pain away, yet that’s not what I felt from her. I felt the hurt, and that hurt was the reason why she could not leave yet. She needed to know that her sons would be okay when she left. My two older brothers had not been up to see her yet; one at the time was not to be found… the other was fearful and wrestled with his own demons. My daddy was diligent in his search for my oldest brother, and soon found him and informed him of the issue with momma. He rushed up to the hospital; my other brother was finally convinced to come and see her before her time was up.

This is when her hurt began to subside, and she truly prepared for Glory. To be continued…

Twelve days to Glory… Part Two

twelve_days_to_glory

To live is Christ…

Saturday, March 8, 2008… I was visited by hospice; he was a black man, roughly in his late forties  and he came in and worked quickly, setting up the hospital bed and oxygen disperser. He tested the equipment like someone who was used to the routine of it all. I, on the other hand, was insanely nervous, and feeling helpless as I saw all that went into ensuring a persons death would be as comfortable as possible.

He showed me how to use the equipment and gave me papers to sign. I will be honest; I couldn’t remember too much about what he said because all I was trying to do was wrap my mind around the fact that my momma was supposed to die with me in this room. The few hours that passed after he left were long and gruelling… about 6pm, I received a call from the hospital that momma was on her way. This came from the hospice nurse who arrived about an hour before momma arrived. I cant remember her name, but her face was kind and her words assuring that it was going to be okay. I know that I was a mess, but she told me that I would be able to handle this, yet in my mind, I had already failed.

My dad came by soon after, and helped me make sure that they would be able to roll her in and get her situated. Once momma arrived, things began to go downhill fast; her body was jerking and she has a glazed look in her eyes. What was funny is that as her body convulsed, she would not stop looking at me. It was like she was trying to stop me from distressing, even though she was obviously in so much pain. The helplessness I felt at that point could not ever be put into words, but all I could do then is hold her hand through it.

The nurse began to work on her; she explained that momma was seizing constantly because the cancer has rested on a part of her brain stem… I kept my composer on the outside, but I was panicking greatly on the inside. For an hour, she tried everything to stabilize her condition, but to no avail. She then called the hospital and had an ambulance come to take her back. Momma only stayed with me for an hour and 45 minutes.

The EMT’s came in and put her in the ambulance. They did not expect her to make it to the hospital because her seizures were getting worse and her blood pressure was increasing… she made it to the hospital. Once there, the emergency room was ready for battle, but because of the do not resuscitate order, could only give her an IV and pain medication.

She began to breathe in a way that is called a ‘death rumble’; I was desperately trying to prepare myself for something that I was in NO way prepared for; we thought that this was it, but all the while momma kept her eyes on me; trying still to comfort me the best way she could. All I could do then was lay on her shoulder and sing to her. By God’s grace, the seizures began to lessen and her blood pressure decreased; the hospital decided then to place her in a room, even through they didn’t expect her to last through the night.

She couldn’t leave yet… I didn’t know why at the time. I do now.
To be continued…