Reality Check for Sept. 7, 2014

A cross

Through Christ we succeed.

Some of us have a deep, intimate, relationship with the bible. We study extensively the chronology, history and validity of the people, and places mentioned within its pages. We become experts in biblical vernacular, scriptural location, and apocryphal and canonical aspects of the different writings, religions and beliefs. We perform this action for many years of our lives, some of us becoming respected theological scholars and provided degrees of high stature to signify our mastery… and that’s it.

Some of us seek a deep, intimate relationship with God; even though our theological education may be almost non-existent to the rest of the world and we can barely remember what the Word of God says, yet prove what IT DOES IN US AND FOR US through our actions and treatment of others, we get all we need, when we need it.

(Matthew ch.6: v.33, Luke ch.12:vs.32-32)

Something to think about- Sept. 5, 2014

We do NOT praise the trumpet, nor the piano, nor the drums after they have been professionally played in a concert. We do NOT give recognition to the dump truck, nor power tools, nor blueprint for their roles in the construction of a building. We do NOT interview the scalpel, suture, nor x-ray machine in the roles they played in saving a life… for they are the instruments. Yet many desire these things when they think they’re doing God’s Will by preaching, evangelizing, singing, etc…. this is an illusion of power sought yet never found.

We are but instruments in ministry. Even Christ acknowledged this. He IS the path that leads to God, the proof of God’s truth and the life everlasting, yet in all of this, He knew His place.

(John ch.14:v.6, Luke ch.18:vs.18-19)


Twelve days to glory- Summation


To live is Christ…

To my beloved readers: some of you may see what I have written about my journey with my mother as an exegesis of grief regarding the sorrow of loss. That is only a small part of the purpose behind the blog entries. I also know that many may not be able to read what I have written because of the pain it may bring back to your own remembrance if you lost a mother, father, sister, brother, wife, husband, child, or anyone that was dearest to your heart and life. To that, I do understand, because what this writing experience brought forth has not been felt for many years.

It took me time to force a lot of what unearthed while writing this to the recesses of my mind… the uncontrolled weeping, feeling of failure, wanting to end the pain by ending my life, the lowliness… all of it, yet I wrote it to signify the greatness of God and to advise those who read this to focus love FIRST on God.

We tend to think that it is admirable to focus intense and full-on love upon our relatives or those who we add to our lives FIRST, then; maybe, love God with what’s left. We say we love that person, ‘more than ourselves’ or ‘more than anything’, unknowing that we set ourselves up for the level of pain that has taken the lives of so many in our past.

We use this ‘love‘ to manage our relationships with each other, or control the lives of others because we EXPECT satisfaction for all the ‘love‘ we invest into that person, only to be rewarded with disappointment and a deep inner loss when it is not reciprocated, or the person leaves us to join the countless others that have entered the grave.

We twist the ‘love‘ concept to the point of madness and then blame ‘love‘ for our failings or shortcomings or true lack of understanding of what ‘love‘ is and its source. These are the things that I have done with my momma.

My love for my momma was real to me, yet empty because I never truly tapped into the source of ‘love‘. I followed suit behind so many in the world, and relied upon her to teach me about love, and to love me even though I didn’t. I placed the burden of my inner responsibilities and created my own hell from it all which tried to collect at the time of her passing. I was so overwhelmed with regret, self-loathing, and failure because I was not prepared to love ME that I saw the only way out was death. It took the loss of everything I held dear to realize that I had never held on to anything at all… I expected others to hold ME and I just skate along for the ride.

I never took the time to seek ‘love‘. Not too many people ever do. We think that if we utter the word that we are inherently knowledgeable of the power of it or the source of it, yet we go through live just ‘loving‘ without form nor purpose. It is like being thirsty with nothing but an empty cup that we try to fill with the spit from our mouths, even though there is a pitcher FULL OF WATER sitting right in front of us.

So what am I getting at? Love is right there; it is God and God alone. In order to establish a love that will never end, never die, never fail, never leave, never betray, never try to manipulate, nor never become misguided or misdirected, it MUST begin between God and you. Once established, then it can be shared with others with a sense of confidence that it is genuine and unable to be thwarted by the words and/or actions of others. The Enemy nor death can shake it. It allows healing from loss and tragedy to be achieved through prayer. The Word of God tells us to FIRST love God with all our heart soul and might… THEN share this with the rest of the world, not the other way around.

I conclude this series with this: love from God, with God, through God and by God. Look to His essence of love to find your way, and when tragedy comes, the love you have will not die for those you love through God. The pain will come yet no scars will form; the loss of their love will be felt, yet the remembrance of the Divine love shared will become the comfort. With God, weeping truly will only endure for the night, but Joy is the reward when the sun shines upon your life.

May God bless you.

(Deuteronomy ch.4:vs. 29, Psalms ch.30:vs.5,  Mark ch.12:vss.30-31)

Twelve Days to Glory- Halfway Point


To live is Christ…

At this point, I did what every child would do who faced such a finality: I waited. Each day up to this point of the story, about six days in from the beginning, I tried to make momma as comfortable as I knew how. Between the linen changes performed by the nurse’s staff, the visits by the doctor to sign documentation and to inform me that each day MIGHT be the day, relatives visiting, and the occasional issue with family acting like they knew best, I would take time to lay next to her, talk to her, and clean her fingernails… it was like I couldn’t ever get them clean.

I was given pamphlets on how to deal with death, or the process on what the body goes through when it is in its ‘final stages‘. They worded them with ‘walking on egg shell‘ accuracy as to not offend or scare anyone, yet the words brought no real comfort, only information that, if not careful, brought you closer to letting go of your faith.

I watched as her body failed day by day; her breathing began to get more and more laboured, as she survived on just an I.V. and morphine drip. Her body went through the stages laid out in the pamphlet; her vital organs began to shut down little by little, and her body fed upon itself and she lost weight quite rapidly. All I could do is witness as the physical death took hold of her because each day, I died a little with her.

See, at that time, I did not know that this HAD to happen for the inner spirit to join with the Divine Spirit. The cage of the flesh had to be broken, as the soul prepared to leave the shell and join with the Father. The process can be instant, or over time. This truth was revealed long after I went through my own hell, so to speak.

The nurses tried to assure me that she was not suffering, saying that the morphine would keep the pain away, yet that’s not what I felt from her. I felt the hurt, and that hurt was the reason why she could not leave yet. She needed to know that her sons would be okay when she left. My two older brothers had not been up to see her yet; one at the time was not to be found… the other was fearful and wrestled with his own demons. My daddy was diligent in his search for my oldest brother, and soon found him and informed him of the issue with momma. He rushed up to the hospital; my other brother was finally convinced to come and see her before her time was up.

This is when her hurt began to subside, and she truly prepared for Glory. To be continued…

Twelve days to Glory… My last journey with Momma

She left me in God's hands.

She left me in God’s hands.

If you don’t mind, I am going to take you on a journey that happens some five years ago. This was the beginning of what I call the twelve days that I will never forget. It was at the time when momma was on her way to glory, and I was fortunate enough to walk with her to the end.

I say fortunate because many that I know lost their loved ones suddenly or had no real chance to say goodbye, so even though it almost killed me emotionally at the time, it made me stronger in the end because it made me turn to God for everything.

Okay… Friday, March 7, 2008: I meet with the doctors at Kenneth Hall Regional Hospital to discuss the fate of momma. They confirm with me that she has had her fourth stroke and the cancer has spread throughout her body. They are unable to do anything more for her but provide comfort through the pain that her body is obviously enduring because of the cancer ravaging her, so we decide that she will stay with me for her last days. Now, my aunt is very much worried about my ability to take care of her because she has been in hospice and knows the difficulty, but even though I am full of trepidation, I love her more than my fears.

We then are contacted by hospice care, who schedule to meet us at my home to prepare the room for her arrival on Saturday.

To be continued….