The Act of Love

The term ‘love is an action word‘ does hold truth, yet what actions should we take? in this season, the focus on love gives way to the desire for ‘things’. We spend great amounts of money on stuff for each other, yet these things rarely last. The things that do are usually ignored, and we further settle for these things as proof of love, yet they are no where near proof of anything other than an instinctual following of the times.

Christ showed the greatest example of love with the sacrificing of his physical life for the salvation of us all. Each day, God shows love for us by going ABOVE AND BEYOND that which we deserve, and asks, can we do the same for each other? Can we go above and beyond the physical gifts, remedial words, and show love to others in a way the LASTS? Yet, how do we achieve this? First, we MUST establish and build our relationship with God, and since GOD IS LOVE, we then build pure love within ourselves, thus allowing us to share this with others. And the best thing about this… IT DOESN’T COST A DIME.

Referencing 1st John 3:16-18.

Something to think about- July 12, 2013

I came across a disturbing pattern that those in distressed marriages take without a conscious knowledge. I had to think on my previous marriage and realized that I had unconscionably done this thing myself.

A couple that I know who’s marriage has been on the verge of ending recently purchased TWO brand new cars. Another who deals with infidelity and trust issues purchased new cell phones and a truck recently. Yet another couple who is also dealing with infidelity, trust, AND financial oppression purchased new phones for themselves AND their children.

The assessment is that when one is at a point of great unhappiness and tribulation within a marriage, the desire to seek relief outside of the marriage becomes stronger in the form of materialistic gain. We all seek happiness within chaos, yet in this case, create further calamity within the relationship because wherever the problem began, it is now increased by unnecessary and unhealthy financial strain. Even if the couple can afford to make foolish purchases in order to unsuccessfully fill the gaps in their marriage, there is no real breakthrough made, nor is the healing of the marriage actualized.It’s like putting a Band-Aid on your hand when the cut is clearly on your leg.

Sounds familiar? It does to me.

Infidelity: The divided house

a divided house

A house divided in itself will not stand.

Now, if you have read my previous blogs, I have written about ways that lead to infidelity: the unsafe man, the woman with virtue removed and chasing ghosts. I want to talk about another that I feel can also lead to choices that bring infidelity into the home: a divided house. In the New Testament, the Book of Mark ch.3:v.25, Jesus teaches that ‘a house that is divided within itself can not stand’. This focuses on forms of inner corruption that in time leads to separation and brings a house down on itself. This can then spread to those things connected to the house thereby causing a cascade of destruction that can have no end.

Loss of a job, lack of financial security, and family tragedies are just small examples of the what can lead to the divided house, and when left unchecked, can cause a healthy marriage to become quickly infected and thus lead to a decision to seek an illusion of comfort from someone outside of the marriage. We tell ourselves that our spouse ‘does not understand’ our tribulations, and that may be true, yet who says that the other person gets it? It is a trick of the Enemy to think that corrupted act will bring forth healing.

These are the moments when we forget OR ignore the option of prayer. Individual prayer, and the collective prayer of the family are the BEST ways to repair and rebuild the divided home. We gain the resources to become stronger within ourselves and in our union without the added stress and strain of a fleeting sexual endeavor, and our increased and intimate relationship with God both within ourselves and within the marriage can transfer our house from the sinking sands of infidelity, to the rock of marital bliss.

Infidelity: Chasing Ghosts

An image of a ghost.

It’s only in your mind.

As before, infidelity has many causes which can lead to disastrous results in a marriage. Lack of safety in a man, or removed virtue from the woman are but two that have been previously discussed, yet I wanted to talk about another cause of infidelity that is just as dangerous and is also more common than the last two mentioned: chasing ghosts.

The concept of ghost chasing in a marriage or any relationship that involves two people with a past has been a burden upon marriages and relationships for eons. It involves simply chasing ghosts, or things that AREN’T REALLY THERE. They are viewed in our mind’s eye and usually manifest from past tragedies within our lives. Past heartbreak, destruction of trusts, or former infidelity from a previous relationship can cause ‘ghosts‘ to appear. Low self-esteem or even a  lack of loving one’s self (these were mine)  can cause ‘ghosts‘ to appear. They begin to haunt a person’s thinking, and can delegate a person’s action within a new relationship. ‘Ghosts‘ can also cause people to choose isolation from a potentially great relationship and/or marriage because the apparitions of the past are too detrimental to let go of.  The graveyard of un-forgiveness becomes filled with these ‘ghosts‘ and potentially can consume the person, and yet he or she doesn’t see that the ghosts are of their OWN CREATION.

How can chasing ghosts cause infidelity? When a person increasingly continues to doubt the others sincerity in the marriage/relationship or commitment to the marriage/relationship, when the accusations won’t stop, when the search for proof of cheating (cell phones, messages, voice-mail  clothing, cars, info from family, friends, co-workers, cubicles, etc…) increases, when the person accused is being stalked or consistently interrogated about their whereabouts, when peace in the relationship or marriage is disrupted by a person’s DESIRE TO FIND HURT AND/OR BE HURT (re-read that last statement because I had to) these examples can cause the accused to say, “if I am already being accused, then I MIGHT AS WELL DO IT!!” Then once the ghost is FINALLY located, (because sometimes, you find what you are searching for, even when it was never there in the first place) the ghost chaser does a I TOLD YOU SO, thus increasing the size of the graveyard of un-forgiveness and increasing the level of emotional and mental instability within their lives.

The process of forgiveness must start within the ghost chaser. He or she MUST:

  • Realize that the person they are accusing is NOT the person who hurt them before, AND
  • Understand that the PAST IS THE PAST (thank you Ty), AND
  • Desire to have a harmonious, loving and peaceful marriage/relationship, AND
  • Seek God and possibly counseling for help and guidance to bury the ghosts once and for all.

Realize, Understand, Desire and Seek.

I pray that this helps someone, because these were my experiences, and I had to overcome them. I will not tell you that ghosts never come back because there are triggers, whether they be on TV, internet, radio, etc… but the key is to realize, understand, desire and seek when they do. As time goes on, the graveyard will become silent once again.

God Bless.

Infidelity: A woman’s virtue removed

A rose.I talked about the less commonly known reason why infidelity occurs with the man; feeling that you’re unsafe around your spouse can force a man to seek safety in the arms of someone else, whether it be his mother (the momma’s boy), or another woman, so to speak. On the other part of the spectrum, women commit infidelity as well, yet I’ve found that their reasons actually stem from one major area… the loss of virtue.

Virtue defines as an admirable quality, or having good morale values. This is some thing that is not given naturally, yet is learned and earned over time. yet, just like it is earned, it can be given away for something far from virtue. I believe that ALL women are virtuous, yet with circumstances and negative situations, can lose sight of their virtuousness. In the Word of God; the Old Testament, in the book of Proverbs, chapter 12, verse 4, it states that the virtuous woman is a crown to her husband. Also in the book of Proverbs, chapter 31, verses 10 and 11, ties both the virtue of the woman and the safety that the mans feels in her virtue. A woman of virtue becomes the protection to the man’s integrity, yet like stated before, when issues arise within her relationship, or even within herself, virtue can be removed from the fore front and something else that creates a negative value within that woman can become the defining aspect of that woman.

I realized that circumstances, usually outside the woman’s inner circle can sometimes cause her to place her virtue on the back burner, so to speak, to deal with the situation,  yet she never strays too far away from her virtuousness. In other occasions, when the circumstance happens WITHIN her inner circle, the removal of virtue can last longer, and depending on the frequency and consistency of the issue, especially when the Enemy has infiltrated her inner home through her spouse  children, close family or even closer friends, she can ultimately lose sight of the virtue that is hers and hers alone. She ceases being the lady that she is, and degrades to less of a woman.

She starts to fall into an oppressive state of consciousness and without re-connecting with Spirit the degradation increases. What’s worse, is when the spouse assists in her removal of virtue and losing of sight. When he assaults the lady in her and tears from her a sense of confidence, trust and integrity, never to help replenish the inner love that makes her the woman she is and the lady she used to be. Soon, she seeks a reconnect to her virtue and sometimes, with the influence of the Enemy is deceived into thinking that her virtue lies in another man (there are other traps, yet we are talking about infidelity now). She gravitates to this person, who, in fact, is not the source of her virtue. (Remember before I mentioned a re-connection with Spirit?) Anyway, she becomes sucked into deception, depression and turns in to the foolish woman that tears her house down with her own hands.

As with all things of God, virtue can be restored; it however, can take time depending how far the woman has strayed. I say this to my men who have wife’s, fiance’s, or even girlfriends: do whatever you can to help her keep her virtue. It is what will enhance your life with her, and increase your safety in her. If you know you have assaulted her virtue, go to God for the path that will help her return. It’s not about fault, in either a man’s lack of safety, nor a woman’s removed virtue. It’s about getting back the the Garden. (Coming soon).

Infidelity: the unsafe man

There are many different reasons that people commit infidelity, or adultery within their marriage. I am not going to focus on the well known reasons, but I want to talk about one that many are completely unaware of.

I am not here to promote infidelity, yet this reason actually affected me, and I had no idea of existence, until recently. It also has biblical significance, as it is with the majority of what I write. In the New Testament, the book of Mark, Chapter 10, Jesus spoke with the Pharisees in regards to divorce and in verses six and seven, he speaks that God made them man and woman, and that the man should let go of his mother and father and cling to his wife.

Now, when a man lets go of someone or something that made him feel SAFE, to connect with something else, his desire for SAFETY goes with him. When a man marries his wife, he sub-consciously invokes the need of safety from his wife. It is not about physical safety, mind you. The safety lies in the emotional aspect of his relationship. he wants to know that when the day is over, she has his back, she will protect his character and integrity from all forces outside of their marriage. It does not mean that she allows his ignorance or even stupidity to go unchecked, but the essence of her husband is safe in her hands.

When we are little, and were out with our mothers, for instance, and a stranger came up, we would hide behind our mother for safety. We didn’t know the intention of the person in front of us, nor did we know the person, so we sought out SAFETY from our mother in the situations.Even as we grow, we seek out SAFETY from our mother or father usually in when our characters are at stake, and once a potential life partner comes into play, and we decide to shift our focus to the realm of marriage, she becomes our SAFETY net.

So what happens when he begins to feel UNSAFE in his marriage? When his character and integrity is jeopardized by the one who is supposed to be his wife? When she speaks ill of him to friends and family, when she speaks ill of him in his face? When in her anger, places him emotionally and mentally in harms way? When he can no longer depend on her to have his back? He seeks out the safety he yearns for… sometimes, he reverts back to the ‘momma’s boy‘ phase, especially when momma is there. He clings to her leg like the child that he was and face it, is momma going to deny him her protection?

When momma is not around, he seeks SAFETY in someone else and this can easily lead to infidelity which becomes the catalyst to divorce. (Now this is not a subject of a one sided blame because if the man gives her a REASON to not keep him safe, then that takes it to a whole new level, and that is another subject in itself, so we will just be focusing here on the what happens when the man no longer feels safe.)

This phenomenon is rarely if ever focused on or discussed because of the subtlety of its nature, yet its validity is no less genuine. So, safety is something that everyone seeks out in their lives, whether it be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. The shared responsibility of both people within a relationship is to provide a form of safety that can strengthen the relationship in the long run. When that provision is broken or no longer is in play, the relationship suffers and can end up failing, so take a moment to assess your standing with the one you love. Do you know if he feels SAFE with you?

Being married or getting married, part two: the living entity

As stated in part one, marriage is a great commitment that focuses beyond the ceremony, reception and parties before and afterwards. The concept that is BEING married is found in the Word of God, yet I believe has been lost in the translation. What people fail to see is that marriage, like themselves is a LIVING ENTITY.

Marriage begins within each individual, first as a thought, then as an action. It manifests itself like a newborn child and as it grows has to be treated as one would treat a baby. It has needs, requirements and as it grows, the needs change, yet its inception began when both decided to become one. People neglet the timing of marriage and therefore neglet the crying child in the corner. They don’t feed nor nurture the marriagel, rarely acknowledging its existence until there is an audience; that is because we are not taught what sanctity of marriage actually entails. The marriage soon begans to starve, and long before infidelity, opression, domestic violence, or any form of cancerous infection to the marriage becomes apparent. Once it dies, and that LONG before legality begins to set in, the resurrection becomes that much more difficult. Not impossible mind you, for with God, all things are possible, but difficult. The infections that have seeped in sit deep within the body of marriage, and have eaten away trust, honesty, fidelity, and most importantly LOVE. It becomes a shell, and the soul of marriage becomes lost. One thing to also mention is in contrast to physical growth, marriage does not become self sufficient. It is constanly in need of care and nurturing even at 50 years old.

Now, the GET married folks are the 50+% and with each generation, the percentage rate will increase, unless people are informed of the contrasts between the two. Marriage is alive. This must be understood by both individuals before the birthing begins. If the couple start to think about the concept, I believe that counseling should occur at the acceptance level. When both have agreed to become one in the realm of marriage, these aspects would aid in their decision and if they are not ready to give birth, then they have the option to wait until they are ready. A newborn baby is exciting, but once the excitment is over, are you truly ready for parenthood?