To my beloved readers: some of you may see what I have written about my journey with my mother as an exegesis of grief regarding the sorrow of loss. That is only a small part of the purpose behind the blog entries. I also know that many may not be able to read what I have written because of the pain it may bring back to your own remembrance if you lost a mother, father, sister, brother, wife, husband, child, or anyone that was dearest to your heart and life. To that, I do understand, because what this writing experience brought forth has not been felt for many years.
It took me time to force a lot of what unearthed while writing this to the recesses of my mind… the uncontrolled weeping, feeling of failure, wanting to end the pain by ending my life, the lowliness… all of it, yet I wrote it to signify the greatness of God and to advise those who read this to focus love FIRST on God.
We tend to think that it is admirable to focus intense and full-on love upon our relatives or those who we add to our lives FIRST, then; maybe, love God with what’s left. We say we love that person, ‘more than ourselves’ or ‘more than anything’, unknowing that we set ourselves up for the level of pain that has taken the lives of so many in our past.
We use this ‘love‘ to manage our relationships with each other, or control the lives of others because we EXPECT satisfaction for all the ‘love‘ we invest into that person, only to be rewarded with disappointment and a deep inner loss when it is not reciprocated, or the person leaves us to join the countless others that have entered the grave.
We twist the ‘love‘ concept to the point of madness and then blame ‘love‘ for our failings or shortcomings or true lack of understanding of what ‘love‘ is and its source. These are the things that I have done with my momma.
My love for my momma was real to me, yet empty because I never truly tapped into the source of ‘love‘. I followed suit behind so many in the world, and relied upon her to teach me about love, and to love me even though I didn’t. I placed the burden of my inner responsibilities and created my own hell from it all which tried to collect at the time of her passing. I was so overwhelmed with regret, self-loathing, and failure because I was not prepared to love ME that I saw the only way out was death. It took the loss of everything I held dear to realize that I had never held on to anything at all… I expected others to hold ME and I just skate along for the ride.
I never took the time to seek ‘love‘. Not too many people ever do. We think that if we utter the word that we are inherently knowledgeable of the power of it or the source of it, yet we go through live just ‘loving‘ without form nor purpose. It is like being thirsty with nothing but an empty cup that we try to fill with the spit from our mouths, even though there is a pitcher FULL OF WATER sitting right in front of us.
So what am I getting at? Love is right there; it is God and God alone. In order to establish a love that will never end, never die, never fail, never leave, never betray, never try to manipulate, nor never become misguided or misdirected, it MUST begin between God and you. Once established, then it can be shared with others with a sense of confidence that it is genuine and unable to be thwarted by the words and/or actions of others. The Enemy nor death can shake it. It allows healing from loss and tragedy to be achieved through prayer. The Word of God tells us to FIRST love God with all our heart soul and might… THEN share this with the rest of the world, not the other way around.
I conclude this series with this: love from God, with God, through God and by God. Look to His essence of love to find your way, and when tragedy comes, the love you have will not die for those you love through God. The pain will come yet no scars will form; the loss of their love will be felt, yet the remembrance of the Divine love shared will become the comfort. With God, weeping truly will only endure for the night, but Joy is the reward when the sun shines upon your life.
May God bless you.
(Deuteronomy ch.4:vs. 29, Psalms ch.30:vs.5, Mark ch.12:vss.30-31)