‘First giving honor and obedience to God who is the head of my life…’ I memorized that long ago, as I heard it spoken by my father, mother and countless pastors, bishops, and other Christians as a way to start off their testimony, yet I did not give it much thought to the significance of it. I said it as I would anything else, and bestowed upon it no real reverence, yet unknowing to me, I was going to find out the hard way what that phrase ACTUALLY means.
For many years, I had been told of the calling on my life, to bring forth a sense of Spiritual guidance to others, and even though this was something that was continuously spoken to me from birth to manhood, I recently found that I was NOT called to do anything… I was chosen. Now some of you are probably wondering if there is a difference… it is; a GREAT difference between the two which was revealed with time. Let us start from a point… going back to May of 2003 when the choice for my life was revealed. It is what I deemed the ‘Path of the Covenant’.
At that time, I was struggling in a marriage that was losing its cohesiveness, and being separated, I was also delving into being a semi-single man who was in the church, yet was was not in the Spirit nor in Christ willingly, because I had talent, and I liked to use it when I could. I would perform at different church venues, programs, etc… because it was what was expected of me, yet I had no real idea other than what I was told by my mother the power of ministry. I did not know at the time that I was ‘playing’ with God’s purpose for His people by singing the sings of praise, yet not practicing what I preached, so to speak. In 2003, like before, I was drifting into a sea of excuses, self-oppressiveness, ignorance to who I was and WHOSE I was, and thus creating the stage of my eventual downfall, yet God gave me what I THOUGHT at the time was a choice to become an instrument to His Will.
I was first given the Word that, at that time, did not understand… it was Psalms 51:10-13. Now I read this scripture passage many times and thought I understood. I even proclaimed it, to my foolishness, within the church signifying my Path of the Covenant had begun. I told my father and mother, and I was gung-ho to get out there and make it happen! Later I was given two more; one from Jeremiah 23:23-24 and Obadiah 1:3-4. Now, I THOUGHT that these were for me to sermon to others… I later found out that they were warnings to me. Let’s move on.
When God implements His CHOICE for your life, you are blessed, favored, and also the Enemy’s PRIME target for destruction, and like Job, God will allow you to be tried, sometimes to extreme levels, ESPECIALLY when you do not keep the covenant. I reneged on my vow soon after I made it because, like before, I was distracted by separation, and a desire to rebound.
I had something to prove, even though no one asked for proof (this is a common trick of the Enemy), and I have always had a tendency to try to fit the square peg into the round hole when it came to my life and my interactions with others… even those I KNEW were not for me or with me, I had a desire to be liked by everyone. I wanted no enemies, even though I had a GREAT Enemy that I took no real notice of until the real assaults began; even then, I blamed ‘bad luck’. I chose to walk in the darkness, forgetting that God can see in the dark. I tried to hide behind good deeds of my own doing, yet I was dragged into a twisted world that consisted of twisted habits, infidelity and eventually my life burning down all around me. I thought I was safe as long as I kept it safe, yet I was never safe… I was never hidden in the shadows, and God’s Word was playing its part in my life.
I made a choice to chose myself and leave God behind; God did not leave me behind, yet the question, have you tried my servant, Paul, was being answered and soon I woke up confined in mind body and soul. I created the prison and locked myself in while I threw the key to the winds. I gave the Enemy all it needed to almost take me out. Almost…
Now here we are… over 9 years later… I have lost so much. Friends that I trusted turned away… family that I thought loved me proved otherwise, financially destitute yet through it all, I am still here. Many people know of my pain, yet few know and even less care of my progress. I had to accept that the choice God made for me was not negotiable. I say this because I tried to treat it as a calling… (now if any of you were called, this is not a criticism for your calling… it just was different for me). Many have chosen not to answer the call, and they go through their lives talking about how they were called, BUT… many have answered and are better for it; for me, my purpose was different because it was not JUST that God chose me just to minister to His children, but ALSO to truly understand one truth; God is in control of ALL things.
I had to learn this through the facing of death and hell itself… I told many that I was at the gates of Hell and was tempted therein, yet God’s hand was always on me. I was beaten, broken, dragged through rocks and stones, called everything but a child of God, bled out, burned, scorned and abused by the Enemy’s hand, yet all in all, it was to fulfill God’s covenant. My heart had to be re-created, my understanding, renewed, my faith restored, and now I walk to path to teach others of God’s ways with a greater understanding of WHY I’m doing this. God’s Ministry… never mine.
There was a verse in the movie, ‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine’ that sums it up for me well. Before Logan was infused with Adamantium, Colonel Stryker said, ‘Before we can make you indestructible, we have to FIRST destroy you…’ Whatever you are going through, it WILL ALWAYS be for the glory of God, even when it looks like the Enemy is winning and no one has your back, Christ can make your faith and your relationship with Him indestructible, but all the doubt, the foolishness, the running, the disavowing, and the desire to hide in the shadows among other things HAVE to be destroyed.
I will leave it here. I hope you got something from it… God bless.