She taught me what it means to stand with God

She left me in God's hands.

She left me in God’s hands.

In 2008, I was blessed; at that time, you could NOT have EVER convinced me of it. March 18 was the day I lost my mother; many would not believe that I was told by God of the day, yet the lack of belief would not lessen its truth. I thought I was tripping that God would take time to tell me that the woman, the person who I thought was the ONLY person in the WORLD that actually loved me was being taken; why would God place such suffering on me and bring such cruelty to my life. I cursed God for it at the time… I was beyond grief-stricken, and desiring to follow her to the other side because I knew that that was it for me; game over.

Me and my mother were kindred spirits; we had such a super-strong connection, and what we shared went WAY beyond the realm of love; it became undefinable. I made many mistakes throughout our relationship, as she did as well, yet it was never enough to even shake my love for her, and her for me. She supported me, and I her; through our toughest times, we were WITH each other, and shared in the joys and pains of life. We laughed, cried, argued, and had deep intense conversations about God, which would go on for hours. We tried to explore the deepest realms of God’s Word and God’s existence. We spoke upon the most controversial and DANGEROUS ideas when it came to Christ and the Master’s time and teachings; these moments were ours and ours alone.

At the time, I knew that God had some plan for my life, yet I could never really place my thoughts on it, but she knew very well that there was something that I was supposed to do. She did not know the whole purpose, yet she knew that there was a great purpose for me when it came to ministry. I was, unfortunately, too busy trying to be something that I was never meant to be, and between the conversations about God and developing a more intimate relationship with God, as she was doing, I was not. One day, she sat me down and asked me a powerful question; “when your back is against the wall, and there is no one there BUT you and God, are you willing to stand?” At that point, I was so turned around, and being that I had never read the Word of God with great conviction, and honestly did NOT think I ever had to, I answered with a resounding, YES! She followed up with, “are you sure?” I answered YES again, feeling a sense of arrogance because I thought I understood the question. She then laughed a bit and sat back in her chair and said, “we’ll see”.

Years before her death, I had answered what I thought was a calling upon my life (Take a moment to reference A testimony: When God chose me, I had no choice….) If I had taken time to take the Word of God seriously, I would have known the importance and seriousness of what I had promised to do. (Ecclesiastes ch.5:v.4). She would always tell me that “this ain’t nothing to play with”, and I didn’t see it until her passing in 2008. When God finally called her home, and this is where the real blessing began, He replaced her with Himself as the forefront of my life… this is why now, when I say ‘Giving honor to God who is the head of my life’, I MEAN what I say. I could no longer rely on her for my answers… she went to God for them anyway. I couldn’t lean on her when I hurt, I could no longer ask for her advice or guidance, nor could I hide behind her as I did when I was a little boy. I could no longer seek her love to supplement my own for myself. I made a vow, and God kept His part… it was now time for me to pay up.

To sum up, Dorothy Agnew McCoy held a GREAT place in my life and when she left, she took a great deal of me with her; I am thankful that it was nothing that God could not replace with an abundance. I can honestly say, as I cry while I write this, that my loss was God’s gain, and with that He filled me with a passion to be the best for His Will that I can be.

God bless.

Continual Inspirations: number one

When IT comes into your life and IT brings calamity, pain and suffering to you and your loved ones; as IT tries to hold you captive in doubt and confusion and others try to use IT against you, remember that you can either fail because of IT, or succeed in spite of IT.
God has IT and everything else in His hands. Philippians 4:13

A testimony: When God chose me, I had no choice…

A cross

Through Christ we succeed.

‘First giving honor and obedience to God who is the head of my life…’ I memorized that long ago, as I heard it spoken by my father, mother and countless pastors, bishops, and other Christians as a way to start off their testimony, yet I did not give it much thought to the significance of it. I said it as I would anything else, and bestowed upon it no real reverence, yet unknowing to me, I was going to find out the hard way what that phrase ACTUALLY means.

For many years, I had been told of the calling on my life, to bring forth a sense of Spiritual guidance to others, and even though this was something that was continuously spoken to me from birth to manhood, I recently found that I was NOT called to do anything… I was chosen. Now some of you are probably wondering if there is a difference… it is; a GREAT difference between the two which was revealed with time. Let us start from a point… going back to May of 2003 when the choice for my life was revealed. It is what I deemed the ‘Path of the Covenant’.

At that time, I was struggling in a marriage that was losing its cohesiveness, and being separated, I was also delving into being a semi-single man who was in the church, yet was was not in the Spirit nor in Christ willingly, because I had talent, and I liked to use it when I could. I would perform at different church venues, programs, etc… because it was what was expected of me, yet I had no real idea other than what I was told by my mother the power of ministry. I did not know at the time that I was ‘playing’ with God’s purpose for His people by singing the sings of praise, yet not practicing what I preached, so to speak. In 2003, like before, I was drifting into a sea of excuses, self-oppressiveness, ignorance to who I was and WHOSE I was, and thus creating the stage of my eventual downfall, yet God gave me what I THOUGHT at the time was a choice to become an instrument to His Will.

I was first given the Word that, at that time, did not understand… it was Psalms 51:10-13. Now I read this scripture passage many times and thought I understood. I even proclaimed it, to my foolishness, within the church signifying my Path of the Covenant had begun. I told my father and mother, and I was gung-ho to get out there and make it happen! Later I was given two more; one from Jeremiah 23:23-24 and Obadiah 1:3-4. Now, I THOUGHT that these were for me to sermon to others… I later found out that they were warnings to me. Let’s move on.

When God implements His CHOICE for your life, you are blessed, favored, and also the Enemy’s PRIME target for destruction, and like Job, God will allow you to be tried, sometimes to extreme levels, ESPECIALLY when you do not keep the covenant. I reneged on my vow soon after I made it because, like before, I was distracted by separation, and a desire to rebound.

I had something to prove, even though no one asked for proof (this is a common trick of the Enemy), and I have always had a tendency to try to fit the square peg into the round hole when it came to my life and my interactions with others… even those I KNEW were not for me or with me, I had a desire to be liked by everyone. I wanted no enemies, even though I had a GREAT Enemy that I took no real notice of until the real assaults began; even then, I blamed ‘bad luck’. I chose to walk in the darkness, forgetting that God can see in the dark. I tried to hide behind good deeds of my own doing, yet I was dragged into a twisted world that consisted of twisted habits, infidelity and eventually my life burning down all around me. I thought I was safe as long as I kept it safe, yet I was never safe… I was never hidden in the shadows, and God’s Word was playing its part in my life.

I made a choice to chose myself and leave God behind; God did not leave me behind, yet the question, have you tried my servant, Paul, was being answered and soon I woke up confined in mind body and soul. I created the prison and locked myself in while I threw the key to the winds. I gave the Enemy all it needed to almost take me out. Almost…

Now here we are… over 9 years later… I have lost so much. Friends that I trusted turned away… family that I thought loved me proved otherwise, financially destitute yet through it all, I am still here. Many people know of my pain, yet few know and even less care of my progress. I had to accept that the choice God made for me was not negotiable. I say this because I tried to treat it as a calling… (now if any of you were called, this is not a criticism for your calling… it just was different for me). Many have chosen not to answer the call, and they go through their lives talking about how they were called, BUT… many have answered and are better for it; for me, my purpose was different because it was not JUST that God chose me just to minister to His children, but ALSO to truly understand one truth; God is in control of ALL things.

I had to learn this through the facing of death and hell itself… I told many that I was at the gates of Hell and was tempted therein, yet God’s hand was always on me. I was beaten, broken, dragged through rocks and stones, called everything but a child of God, bled out, burned, scorned and abused by the Enemy’s hand, yet all in all, it was to fulfill God’s covenant. My heart had to be re-created, my understanding, renewed, my faith restored, and now I walk to path to teach others of God’s ways with a greater understanding of WHY I’m doing this. God’s Ministry… never mine.

There was a verse in the movie, ‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine’ that sums it up for me well. Before Logan was infused with Adamantium, Colonel Stryker said, ‘Before we can make you indestructible, we have to FIRST destroy you…’ Whatever you are going through, it WILL ALWAYS be for the glory of God, even when it looks like the Enemy is winning and no one has your back, Christ can make your faith and your relationship with Him indestructible, but all the doubt, the foolishness, the running, the disavowing, and the desire to hide in the shadows among other things HAVE to be destroyed.

I will leave it here. I hope you got something from it… God bless.

Prosper in love: the comparison of ‘for’ and ‘with’

love2I took a moment to write this because I was blessed with an epiphany recently. I have struggled to understand how to develop a prosperous relationship/marriage, even though the first marriage did not work out so well. I felt myself in a spiral of confusion because as a man, I am not supposed to have real wants or needs beyond the things outside of myself. Women were usually the ones who focus on needs from their spouse while men were ‘generally’ looked at as the providers of what his woman needed.

I have not always complied to that form of thinking, because for some reason, I knew that, as a man, I deserved just as much as she did. Sex was not the only thing I desired, nor was a hot meal, clean clothes, or even money. I desired to have someone there with me as well as for me. Now, I did not see it in that light, at first, because I did not know that that was in any way important to a healthy relationship to me.

I have found that one aspect of a healthy relationship is to understand the difference between being there FOR someone and being there WITH someone. for example,  If you read some of the epistles of Paul,  you find that he ends them with ‘May the Lord Jesus Christ be with you…’. With defines as ‘being accompanied by’, so he prays that Jesus accompanies the readers of the text throughout their lives. To be WITH your spouse requires much strength, especially when the situation is dire or feels out of the persons’ control. The other part of strength lies in empathy; that is, placing yourself in the person’s shoes and accepting a pain that may not be your own. You walk when staying still is more sensible, you cry even though it feels trivial, and you stand in the fire when there are no flames burning in your life.

Being there FOR someone, or in support or favor of someone, does not require that you participate in the issue or situation directly, yet, if a need comes up, support is given. It is always easier to be there for your spouse or significant other within a marriage or relationship because a distance is kept, and empathy is not necessarily required. It’s like paying into auto insurance. I am not saying that being there FOR a person is in any way bad… there are instances where you CAN’T be there with them… only Christ can be WITH us through ANY and EVERYTHING.

I am thankful that God is WITH me in all things. My loved ones can only go as far as they can go…